Full Circle

I had been thinking a lot lately. Recent events had shot my brain into overdrive. First, I found out that the object of my affections would be leaving soon forever. Secondly, after seeing a picture of my old crush, I felt strange feelings of regret. I struggled with this for a while, wondering what all of it could mean. Then I realized that I had never gained closure with Kayla, and if I let Rashaell go without closure, it would turn full circle again.

     Several months ago, I introduced a few people into this narrative who lived as my next door neighbors. One of them was Wyatt. Though he was half my age, we became good friends. He was like the brother I never had and we talked about almost every thing, including the situation I was in.

     "So, what are you going to do about it?" He said after I explained the story.

     "I think I have to tell her," I replied.

     He then looked at me with a cheesy grin that seemed to say "Finally! I knew I'd get you to tell her sometime."

     "But I'm not." I said after a few seconds.

     "Why?" He asked, almost exasperated.

     In my head, I was telling myself it was because I didn't want to put Rashaell through something like that. But all I said out loud was, "I don't know."

     And this brings us back to where our story begins. With me sitting on the couch, holding my newborn niece for the first time. It seems like whenever something great happens in someone else's life, you feel good for that person for a few seconds, but then you begin taking a look at your own life. For me, as I held my sisters newborn daughter, I couldn't help but wonder what I was doing with my life. I was an adult now and I had never even been on a date. All my life I had been too afraid to tell a girl how I felt, and that was holding me back. With Erin, I may have told her, but I did it cowardly behind a note. I was too afraid to say anything to Kayla, and though I kept making excuses, it all boiled down to fear with Rash, too. It was time to put myself out there. But if I ever wanted to have a healthy relationship, I had to get closure with Rash. I had to tell her how I felt.

     The next day I hung out with Wyatt again and the first thing I said was: "I'm going to do it, I'm going to tell her."

     "Finally!" He said, "It's about friggin' time!"

     A few hours later, his older sister Katie knocked on my door. When I answered, she said, "I heard you're finally going to do it."

     "Yeah," I said, "Tomorrow afternoon." She then hugged me against my will. During the hug I was thinking, "Oh great. Now everyone is going to know. I really hope I actually have the courage to do this." But my mouth was saying, "Katie? You can stop now."