Full Circle

I had been thinking a lot lately. Recent events had shot my brain into overdrive. First, I found out that the object of my affections would be leaving soon forever. Secondly, after seeing a picture of my old crush, I felt strange feelings of regret. I struggled with this for a while, wondering what all of it could mean. Then I realized that I had never gained closure with Kayla, and if I let Rashaell go without closure, it would turn full circle again.

     Several months ago, I introduced a few people into this narrative who lived as my next door neighbors. One of them was Wyatt. Though he was half my age, we became good friends. He was like the brother I never had and we talked about almost every thing, including the situation I was in.

     "So, what are you going to do about it?" He said after I explained the story.

     "I think I have to tell her," I replied.

     He then looked at me with a cheesy grin that seemed to say "Finally! I knew I'd get you to tell her sometime."

     "But I'm not." I said after a few seconds.

     "Why?" He asked, almost exasperated.

     In my head, I was telling myself it was because I didn't want to put Rashaell through something like that. But all I said out loud was, "I don't know."

     And this brings us back to where our story begins. With me sitting on the couch, holding my newborn niece for the first time. It seems like whenever something great happens in someone else's life, you feel good for that person for a few seconds, but then you begin taking a look at your own life. For me, as I held my sisters newborn daughter, I couldn't help but wonder what I was doing with my life. I was an adult now and I had never even been on a date. All my life I had been too afraid to tell a girl how I felt, and that was holding me back. With Erin, I may have told her, but I did it cowardly behind a note. I was too afraid to say anything to Kayla, and though I kept making excuses, it all boiled down to fear with Rash, too. It was time to put myself out there. But if I ever wanted to have a healthy relationship, I had to get closure with Rash. I had to tell her how I felt.

     The next day I hung out with Wyatt again and the first thing I said was: "I'm going to do it, I'm going to tell her."

     "Finally!" He said, "It's about friggin' time!"

     A few hours later, his older sister Katie knocked on my door. When I answered, she said, "I heard you're finally going to do it."

     "Yeah," I said, "Tomorrow afternoon." She then hugged me against my will. During the hug I was thinking, "Oh great. Now everyone is going to know. I really hope I actually have the courage to do this." But my mouth was saying, "Katie? You can stop now."

The Social Network

I knew that Rash was going to go off to college soon, but having someone else say it really made it sink in. I knew she'd have to go eventually, but I guess I had just been trying not to think about it. It was right about then that I began regretting my decision to be her professional colleague and not her friend. The second she left, whatever kind of professional relationship we had would cease to exist and we'd be perfect strangers. The thought of that saddened me, so I decided I would do something I said I would never do.

     For the longest time I had held off on joining Facebook. My antisocial nature deterred me from joining a "social" network. However, I felt that Facebook was probably the only way to stay connected with Rashaell, so I joined. But here's where things start to get complicated for me. I started friending a bunch of other people I knew (you know, because it would be friggin' weird if I only friended Rash. Also, Facebook would be rather boring when you only had one friend posting details about their food.) As I was doing this I ran across Kayla (yes, the same Kayla from before.) And as I looked at her picture I felt something. I'm not sure what exactly. I certainly didn't think that I had any remaining feelings for her, but something about her picture brought back all the memories. The silly nickname she had for me, the popcorn kernel of truth, and many more came back to me and it got me wondering if I would ever get over it.

     And that brings us back to April 17th 2013. It's prom night and I'm dancing with Erin, my first crush. As we dance, I look into her eyes and I feel. . . nothing. I realized that to truly get over someone, you have to meet the right person. After Erin, I met Kayla. After Kayla, I met Rashaell. As I contemplated these things, I realized that what I was feeling when I saw Kayla's picture was not old feeling coming back to the surface, but regret. Regret that we couldn't have stayed friends and regret that I never really got the chance to close the book with Kayla. At least with Erin and I being in the same home school group, I had the chance to move on and become her friend again, but I had no such luck with Kayla. That's when I began to wonder, "Would the same thing happen with Rashaell? In 50 years when I'm married and have a family, will I see her picture and have the same regrets?" I couldn't let that happen.

All Secrets Known (People are Dillholes pt II)

Let's move ahead a little bit. It's now early April in 2013. I was helping one of the stockers, Chase, stock some of the shelves. As we were working, Rash walks down the isle, we exchange greetings and move on with what we were doing. I figured I was inconspicuous enough, however Chase turned to me and said, "You're totally into her aren't you?"

     "What? Naw!" I said, "That's just crazy talk."

     "That's bullcrap." He said, "You totally want to do her."

     "Well, that's just a bit juvenile, don't you think?"

     "Just admit that you like her."

     "Fine, yeah, I like her." I said reluctantly.

     "Does she know?"

     "Of course not!" I said a little too loudly, "I can never tell her."

     "Well," Chase said slowly, "if you won't tell her, I guess I'll have to do it for you."

     "No! You don't understand, you can't tell her!"

     "Are you gonna?"

     "No."

     "Well, then." He said as we walked away.

     I started to panic. Was he really going to tell her? If he was, I had to take care of some damage control. I went up to the registers and began sacking groceries on Rashaell's register. I then began my plan. "So, funny story. Last week, Chase tried to spread the rumor that Nick was gay." I said.

     "Really?" Rash replied, "Why would he do that?"

     "Oh, he a friggin' gossip. He likes to start false rumors just for the 'lolz.'"

     "I don't really work with him much, but she sounds like a real ass."

     "You have no idea." I said.

     The next day when I came to work, Chase came up to me and said, "It's done. I told her."

     "I can't believe you did that." I said, "Well I guess it doesn't really matter. I told her that you are a gossip and not to trust a thing you said."

     "Now that just hurts," he said sarcastically, "It hurts me right here." He pointed to his chest as he said this. "Tell me, though. Why are you so against her knowing?"

     "Because," I said, "I don't want to put her in that kind of situation. She's in a relationship and I don't want to complicate things for her. I mean, what if she likes me back? I don't want to put her in a dilemma to where she has to choose. You may not know this, but when you truly care about someone, you want them to be happy. . . even if that means they can't be happy with you. But I wouldn't expect you to understand that."

     "There won't be any dilemma if she isn't here. She's moving at the end of the summer."

     "Wait. What?"

The Question of 'Liking the Unavailable'

Later that December an issue of Insight Magazine was issued with this subtitle: "True Love: Liking the Unavailable." "True Love" was a section at the end of every issue where teenagers around the country would ask questions about relationships, crushes, and a number of different things and have their questions answered. In this particular issue, the question read, "'I work with a girl whom I really like. Unfortunately, I recently found out that she is dating someone else. Now I feel very guilty because I am attracted to some other person's girlfriend. I don't know what to do. Please help.' - Anonymous" (15). As you can probably guess by the question, it was sent in by me. This was the answer I received:

I know that many people out there may be screaming 'Go for it! She's not married.' The too-used and too-familiar phrase 'All is fair in love' may be flowing out the lips of others ... But (yep, you knew it was coming) what is often disregarded is the story of the poor guy or girl on the other side of the coin, the 'pesky little significant other' who feels like they've been run over by a freight train ... In your situation, should you feel guilty about being attracted to this girl? No, it's natural. However, the situation being what it is should give you pause before you become too involved with her ... Will hurt feelings be inevitable? Perhaps. It comes with the territory. However the difference comes in the fact that you would not be the one to help contribute to those hurt feelings if you just keep your boundaries and be respectful of the relationship this girl has with her man. No matter how you slice it, this girl, though not married,  has someone who is counting on her to keep her word and respect the arrangement they have together. If you care about her, why put her in such a dilemma? ... As I said, you are attracted to her, and it's natural, but keep your boundaries. If you can be her friend and keep your boundaries, then by all means, carry on as friends, but be warned. It can be extremely, extremely hard to separate romantic feelings from a platonic friendship. So if you can't handle it, just keep it a professional work relationship. If her relationship isn't meant to last, and if she feels that there better fits for her guy-wise than her current beau, the relationship will come to a close on its own, not because you pushed it over the edge. God bless you in your task ahead ... I'm praying for you (15).

I thought about what the author had to say and it made sense. The last thing I ever wanted to do was put Rash through any kind of dilemma. I decided right then that I would try my hardest being content as her friend. And if that didn't work, as painful as it was to think about, I would have to step back even further and become that one guy she worked with once. Whatever happened, I knew one thing for sure: she could never, never know how I felt about her. Unfortunately, due to unforeseen circumstances beyond my control, "never" would become "soon."

 Work Cited

Taylor-Mduba, Tiffany S. "True Love: Liking the Unavailable." Insight Magazine. 15 Dec. 2012: 15. Print.