Summer of Darkness Part I: Down in a Hole

Shock. That was the my first reaction. The veil I had put before my own eyes had been lifted by five words: "Cousin? No, that's her boyfriend." But the shock was soon gone. As the truth sunk in, so did my heart. Sunk straight down into my shoes. I regretted asking Kayla's friend who the toolbag she was with was. I was perfectly comfortable in my little fragile bubble of ignorance. I guess what they say is true. Ignorance is bliss.

     The rest of that weekend was horrible. I spent the weekend (and many weeks after) Down in a Hole. . . Not literally, it's just a metaphor. I was terribly depressed. I know I shouldn't have been. At that age, couples break up all the time. Kayla would be available again eventually. But my moody fifteen-year-old mind couldn't grasp that concept. At that time, it was the Apocalypse. The end of my world.

     I'm not proud of how I acted the rest of that weekend. Kayla was nothing but kind to me the entire weekend and tried to include me in whatever she might be doing. So many girls I knew would ignore their friends when they were around their boyfriend, but not Kayla. She was nothing but kind to me and I intentionally avoided her. I spent most of my time sulking in a bathroom stall, rather than sucking it up and hanging out with my friend.

     It was Saturday night, right before the final event of the Youth Rally, when my dad came to pick me up. He asked me what the final event was and I told him it was a gymnastics display in the gymnasium. "Well, let's get in there and find our seats." he said.

     As he spoke I saw Kayla and her boyfriend holding hands and walking into the gymnasium. I turned to my dad, stifling what I was sure was going to be a scream. "Can we just go home?" I asked, "I'm - um - not into gymnastics."

     "Okay," he replied, "pack up your stuff and we'll go."

     I left the Youth Rally without even saying goodbye to Kayla. To this day, this is my biggest regret. Not ruining things with Erin. Not missing my chance with Kayla. Not even many other things to come. It was this moment. The moment when I decided to leave that place without so much as a sideways glance at the girl I claimed to care about. That is my greatest regret.

     *Lesson Learned. . . or unlearned. I unlearned the lie I had told myself after Erin. The lie that you had to Hide Your Love Away. When the Voices all around tell you to make All Secrets Known to the girl of your dreams, listen. Otherwise you will be left Hollow and Stoned in your own Private Hell, Hung on a Hook to Choke.











*eight Alice in Chains references in one paragraph. I think that's pretty Sickman.

You Can't Handle the Truth

I was freaking out. I couldn't shake the feeling that the guy that Kayla had just introduced me to was her boyfriend. I kept trying to tell myself that he was her cousin or something, but the more I thought about it the less that scenario made since. He didn't look like he could be related to her at all. Not to mention, if they were cousins, it was one creepy-ass cousin relationship they had going. I was trying my best to be happy that Kayla was there, but that nagging feeling just kept getting larger. I had to find the truth.

     I made my way to the breakfast hall. My plan was to isolate one of Kayla's friends and get the truth out of her, but when I got there Kayla and her friends were all together. So much for that plan. Kayla waved me over to sit with them and a little while after I did, she got up with Evan to get some toast. Now's my chance, I thought, This plan isn't botched after all. As soon as Kayla was out of earshot, I asked Chelsea (the only one of Kayla's friends I knew) "So, who's that guy Kayla is with? I've never seen him before."

     "Who? Evan?" she replied.

     "Yeah, is he like her cousin or something?"

     "No," she laughed, "That's her boyfriend."

     And just like that, all my suspicions were confirmed. The happiness I felt about seeing Kayla was instantly replaced with the most crushing feeling. I shouldn't have asked. I should've just let things be and had a decent weekend. But no, I had to push for the truth. . . And I couldn't handle the truth. This marks the moment where the Summer of Darkness officially began. The period in my life that would shape my life to come.

I Saw Her Standing There

It was Saturday morning, the second day of the youth rally. I woke up at 8 A.M. to get ready for church at 10 A.M. but getting ready didn't take nearly that long so I decided to stroll around the dormitory. There wasn't much to see, so strolling became more like walking up and down the stairs aimlessly. I must have walked up and down those stairs forty or fifty times before I finally stopped. And why did I stop? Because I got tired. . . No, but really when I was halfway down the stairs for the umpteenth time, I happened to look out the window. That's when I saw her. All this time I thought she wouldn't be there, but there she was standing on the sidewalk. The Girl in the Blue Hoodie was back.

     I quickly rushed the rest of the way down the stairs and was ready to burst out the door, but then stopped, checked myself, and then casually walked out the door as if I were just getting some air. I walked over to a tree not to far from her and pretended like I didn't notice her. Waiting for her to notice me. You know, because I didn't want to look like I had been waiting for her or anything. I didn't want to seem weird (because leaning against a tree looking every which way except in her direction isn't weird or anything.)

     She didn't seem to notice, so I just decided I would go ahead and say "hi." I started walking over when she finally did notice me. "Oh my gosh!" She said, "It's you! You weren't here last May like you promised."

     "Yeah, I got appendicitis." I replied.

     "Like that's an excuse." She returned jokingly. Just then another person walked up. He was the toolpick guy I saw in the dorm the night before. And yes, I said "toolpick." It's a word I made up combining the word tooth pick (which describes his features) and tool (which describes his personality.) Truthfully, toolprick probably fits him a little better. She introduced us: "Evan, this is my friend, Nash. Nash, this is Evan." I shook his boney hand. It never crossed my mind that this guy might be her boyfriend. My brain kept telling me he was her cousin or something.

     After some idle chit-chat she and I parted ways and said we would get together at breakfast. Then she walked away with Evan and the nagging thought that they might be dating grew a little stronger in my mind. I had to find out for sure. Thus began The Summer of Darkness. . .

The Incubator

It was exactly one year after my appendicitis attack before I was able to meet up with Kayla again. I looked for her at the next January youth rally, but she wasn't there, so it wasn't too hopeful that I would see her this time. But that didn't stop me from searching. It was the first night of the March youth rally and everyone was meeting in the chapel for a short worship service (at least it was supposed to be short). I scanned the crowed over and over again in hopes of seeing her, but to no avail.

     Saddened, I walked back to the dorm room I was going to be staying the weekend in. I dragged my luggage into the room where five other guys around my age were hanging out. Six people. Two bunk-beds. It looked like I was going to have to sleep on the floor. One of the guys in that room I remember better than the others. Probably because he was about 6 ft. 8 in. tall and weighed about 80 lbs. The guy was a toothpick. His name was Evan and he would be my arch nemesis. . . But not yet, right now he was just a toothpick in a room that was way too crowded.

     It was claustrophobic in there with all those people, so I went out into the hall for some air. While out there I struck up a conversation with a guy named Nathan. We talked awhile and it somehow came up that all the rooms were really crowded this year. I said, "There are five guys in my room. That's not including myself."

     "Wow," he replied, "that's the most I've heard yet. Listen, it's just my brother and me in my dorm. You can stay in our room if you like." That sounded great to me. The less people in a room, the better I would be able to sleep, so I accepted his offer and moved my luggage over to the new dorm where Nathan and his brother were staying.

     Like any group of teenagers, we didn't go to sleep at "lights out." We stayed up pretty much all night making jokes and watching Youtube videos. Somehow the topic of girls came up. At first we all just talked about generic stuff (girls are hot, boobs, etc.) but soon the conversation turned to the specific girls we liked. "Well," said Nathan, "I really like my girlfriend. I mean, otherwise I wouldn't be dating her would I?"

     Then his brother (of whose name I cant think of for the life me. I think it was Josh? Jacob? Something with a "J".) said, "I just like chicks. Don't care who, I just like chicks."

     "Well then," Nathan replied, "let me get you an incubator and you can have all the chicks you want." That got a sarcastic laugh from Josh (?) and then he turned to me and asked, "What about you? What girl do you like?"

     "You probably don't know her." I said.

     "Probably not, that's why you can tell us."

     "Her name is Kayla," I replied, "Kayla Doles."

     "Really? I think I know her! She's hot."

     Oh great. I thought to myself.

     Even though I got teased the rest of the night, I'm glad I stayed with those two. If I had been staying in my original room, I may have picking my teeth up off the floor. Because I would have been staying in a room with Kayla's new boyfriend. . .

What Is and What Should Never Be

It would be over a year before I would see Kayla again. The seemingly magical powers of the Popcorn Kernel of Truth had failed me when I swore I'd meet her in May. On the final day of the Sunny-Dale Adventist Academy Youth Rally, she made me promise that I would come to the next one four months later. Like on the first day we met, I swore on the magical popcorn kernel. I did so mostly in jest, but half believing that if it had worked once, it could do so again. But nay, it was not to be, for life had other plans in store. As the late rock-and-roll legend, John Lennon, once said, "Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans."

     It was late April when it came. The invitation to the May youth rally. "Finally," I thought to myself, "I'll get to see her again. . ." I immediately had my mother RSVP and then I was all set. A few short weeks and I would get to see Kayla again, just like I promised.

     The days came and went until one week remained. The Friday night before we were to leave (exactly one week before) my dad and I decided to go on a short walk. During our walk I began to feel a strange stitch in my side. I thought this was weird because I almost never get those and it persisted all evening.

     The next morning I was feeling worse. The stitch had become a mild stomach ache. I told my parents, but they just thought I was trying to get out of going to church. As the day went on, the pain started to subside slightly, but I still felt sick Sunday morning. By Sunday night the pain had worsened and moved lower down my abdomen. The only thing that made me feel any better was a steaming hot bath.

     By Monday morning, nothing had changed. I still felt sick to my stomach and I found it hard to focus on my schoolwork. I was homeschooled, so my mother was giving me an oral test in history. I think what tipped her off about my condition was that I couldn't answer any of the questions right. She sensed something was wrong and took me to the doctor. During all of this, the word "appendicitis" never even crossed my mind. It didn't feel like how people usually describe it. They usually describe it as a horrible, burning pain and use adjectives like "sharp." My pain just felt like a dull stomach ache, but when I got to the hospital my appendix was on the verge of rupturing.

     Needless to say, after that I didn't go to the youth rally the next week. I stayed home and recovered from the surgery. Of all the times to get appendicitis, I got it that week. I felt horrible that I couldn't keep my promise and what's worse, I was planning on telling Kayla how I felt about her that weekend. By the time I would see her again, it would be too late. But perhaps it was all for the best. Life has a habit of messing with our plans, but often times it improves our lives. What we think is and should never be at the time can turn into something we never expect later on. Perhaps it was a good thing that I got appendicitis and missed my chance. Otherwise, things may have turned out much differently in my life.