Shock. That was the my first reaction. The veil I had put before my own eyes had been lifted by five words: "Cousin? No, that's her boyfriend." But the shock was soon gone. As the truth sunk in, so did my heart. Sunk straight down into my shoes. I regretted asking Kayla's friend who the toolbag she was with was. I was perfectly comfortable in my little fragile bubble of ignorance. I guess what they say is true. Ignorance is bliss.
The rest of that weekend was horrible. I spent the weekend (and many weeks after) Down in a Hole. . . Not literally, it's just a metaphor. I was terribly depressed. I know I shouldn't have been. At that age, couples break up all the time. Kayla would be available again eventually. But my moody fifteen-year-old mind couldn't grasp that concept. At that time, it was the Apocalypse. The end of my world.
I'm not proud of how I acted the rest of that weekend. Kayla was nothing but kind to me the entire weekend and tried to include me in whatever she might be doing. So many girls I knew would ignore their friends when they were around their boyfriend, but not Kayla. She was nothing but kind to me and I intentionally avoided her. I spent most of my time sulking in a bathroom stall, rather than sucking it up and hanging out with my friend.
It was Saturday night, right before the final event of the Youth Rally, when my dad came to pick me up. He asked me what the final event was and I told him it was a gymnastics display in the gymnasium. "Well, let's get in there and find our seats." he said.
As he spoke I saw Kayla and her boyfriend holding hands and walking into the gymnasium. I turned to my dad, stifling what I was sure was going to be a scream. "Can we just go home?" I asked, "I'm - um - not into gymnastics."
"Okay," he replied, "pack up your stuff and we'll go."
I left the Youth Rally without even saying goodbye to Kayla. To this day, this is my biggest regret. Not ruining things with Erin. Not missing my chance with Kayla. Not even many other things to come. It was this moment. The moment when I decided to leave that place without so much as a sideways glance at the girl I claimed to care about. That is my greatest regret.
*Lesson Learned. . . or unlearned. I unlearned the lie I had told myself after Erin. The lie that you had to Hide Your Love Away. When the Voices all around tell you to make All Secrets Known to the girl of your dreams, listen. Otherwise you will be left Hollow and Stoned in your own Private Hell, Hung on a Hook to Choke.
*eight Alice in Chains references in one paragraph. I think that's pretty Sickman.
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