Laser Vision

Time passed and soon it was Christmas break. Being out of school, I ended up working with Rashaell about twice as much as usual. She used her new found free time spending it with her new boyfriend, Ryan, which unfortunately meant that she couldn't shut up about him. In every conversation she would find some way to mention him at least once, and let me tell you, it got annoying. For example, we were talking about Christmas shopping: "I already had all my shopping done last month," I said, "I like to get it done early."

     "Most of mine is done," she replied, "I just need to shop for my boyfriend, Ryan."

     Eager to shift the conversation topic, I said: "If it were my dad, the Christmas shopping wouldn't be done until Christmas Eve."

     "My boyfriend, Ryan, is the same way!" She said, "I swear if the stores were open on Christmas day, he'd probably wait 'til then."

     "Oooooooooooof course."

     "My boyfriend, Ryan, is such a character-" she began.

     I turn toward Bri (a customer service rep.) with an obvious look of annoyance on my face: "You hear that, Emma? Her boyfriend's name is apparently Ryan." I said very sarcastically.

     "Oh! That guy that looks like an ape?" Bri said, turning around. According to the look on her face, she didn't know that Rashaell was right behind her. Rashaell looked at Bri, then looked back at me and I said: "I didn't want to say anything, but yeah he kinda does."

     A few days later I was sitting in the break room when Emma walked in and said, "If I could have one Christmas wish, it would be not to have to go back to college after Winter break."

     "If I had one Christmas wish," I replied, "it would be for true love. . . or laser vision. Yeah, I think I'm going with laser vision." She laughed a little bit and I continued: "No, if I were to have once Christmas wish, it would be to have one conversation with Rashaell in which she didn't mention her boyfriend every five seconds."

     "You'd have a better chance at getting the laser vision," she replied.

     I couldn't help but agree, but the funny thing about life is that it always makes a liar out of you. It wasn't more that two days later before I worked with Rash again and, as hard as it was to believe, the impossible happened. In a full eight-hour shift working together, she didn't mention her boyfriend once.

     When my shift ended, I walked over to the customer service counter to talk to Emma. "Oh my gosh!" I said, "It came true! It came true!"

     "What are you talking about?" She asked.

     "My Christmas wish came true!"

     "Oh crap! Did you burn anything?"

     "No, no. Not that!" I said. "The other wish."

     "No way! I wasn't aware that pigs began flying and that Hell froze over."

     "Apparently," I said, "but if this wish came true, where the heck is my laser vision?"

I Will Wait

I had just done what was probably the stupidest thing of my adolescent life. I passed up on the golden opportunity of asking Rashaell out. Why? It's hard to say. Possibly a mixture of fear and guilt. The fear of the unknown and the guilt of asking out my friend's ex - which, if How I Met Your Mother has taught me anything, it's that asking out your bro's ex is highly frowned upon. However, what I was telling myself and everyone else was that I didn't ask her out because I wanted to give her some time to sort things out. This, in part, was true; but not the full extent of the truth. Weather it was the full truth or not, I was giving her time. I kept telling myself, "A few more weeks. A few more weeks and I'll finally do it." But a few more weeks may have been too long.

     It was a hot July day in 2012 and I was in the final stretch of my morning shift at work. I was working with four other people. Gabby (a sacker like myself), Emma (the dingo ate your baby lady), Ashlee (the hell-spawn herself), and Rashaell. The girls were chattering on and I, being a man, was very disinterested in their conversation. Emma, Ashlee, and Gabby went on and on and on about who their dates were that night. Not being able to leave my station, I just had to tune them out. However, amid the monotonous talk of boys and love lives, I overheard Rashaell say, "Am I the only person here without a date tonight?" My ears perked up like a dog to the sound of a dog whistle. Was this an opening? Was this the opportunity I needed?

     "Well," I said, "if it makes you feel any better, as long as you are working with me, you are assuredly not the only person without a date on a given night."

     She laughed and said, "That's very comforting, but I don't need to feel any better. I may not have a date tonight, but I do tomorrow night."

     "Oooh! Who is it?" One of the other girls asked. Rashaell replied some name, but it was here that I began tuning out again. Unlike the past, I was not too worried about this new information. She has a date, so what? It's probably just a rebound anyway. It couldn't last more that two or three weeks. However, I seem to always be wrong about theses things. Nearly two years later as I am sitting behind this computer screen writing this blog entry, Rashaell is in a committed relationship with the very same guy afore mentioned. Not asking her out when I had the chance is possibly the dumbest thing I have ever done, or maybe I dodged a bullet. Who knows. The future is an uncertain thing.

Sooner or Later

Now or never. Rashaell was right there in front of me and, according to Emma, she was now single. It was time for me to ask her out, but not quite yet. I trusted Emma, but I still needed to confirm what I heard from Rashaell herself. But how to do that? I didn't want to just ask her if they broke up, that might make me seem insensitive and over eager. After a short time contemplating my approach, I decided on the "I didn't know" act.

     I walked over to where she was standing and said, "Hey, Rash. How ya doin'?"

     "Pretty good, I guess." She said.

     Now it was time to implement my plan. I simply asked, "You know what? I haven't seen Landon in a long time. How is he?"

     She paused for a second and then said, "Oh, I don't really know. We kinda broke up a couple weeks ago."

     "Oh, I'm sorry." I said, "I didn't know."
   
     I was about three seconds from making my move and asking her out, but then I stopped. I just couldn't do it. It wasn't that I was afraid or anything, it just didn't seem right. What am I? A vulture? She just got out of a year-and-a-half long relationship and here I was trying to take advantage of it. Besides, even if I did ask her out and she said "yes" I would just end up being her rebound guy and end up on the wayside in two weeks. It just wasn't the right time.

     "Well," I said, "best of luck to ya."

     As much as I liked her and wanted nothing more that to ask her out, I had to give her some time. Time to sort things out and be her own person. I'd ask her out sooner or later, just not right now. It's not like she was going anywhere. . . Yeah friggin' right.

The Confidante

It was the greatest news I had ever heard. I had just found out that Rashaell may have broken up with Landon. The wait was over, I was now determined to ask her out. However, I had to be sure they really were broken up and that what I had heard wasn't just a rumor. Thus I began my search for a confidante.

     My usual confidantes (my sister Hope or my best friend Jill) wouldn't work this time. I needed someone that I could trust, but who also knew Rashaell on a personal basis. After a short time of deliberation, I came up with a name: Emma. Emma was a customer service representative at the grocery store that I work for. Not only had she shown herself trustworthy in the past, but she also lived in the same hometown and went to the same high school as Rashaell.

     One day after work, I talked to Emma. "Hey," I said, "can I ask you a question?"

     "Technically, you just asked a question," she replied, "but yeah go ahead."

     I froze. Could I really trust Emma? Sure, she had shown herself to be a trustworthy person before, but this was different. Rashaell was one of Emma's best friends, would her loyalty to Rashaell outweigh her loyalty to keep my secret? Would she tell Rashaell and ruin everything? I couldn't risk it. "Um, well. There's this girl. . . that I kind of like. . . who may or may not be dating. . . a good friend of mine," I said slowly, "I recently heard a rumor that they may have. . . ended things. How would you suggest I ask her if they really did break up. . . without actually asking if they broke up?"

     "You're talking about Rashaell." She replied.

     "What? How did you get there?"

     "Well, I've seen the way you look at her. Also, you told me that Landon was a good friend of yours and I know that he and Rashaell used to date."

     "Crap. Wait, used to date?!"

     Just then, the clock hit 4 and Rashaell came walking into the store for her shift. Now was my chance, I couldn't waste it. . .

To Be Continued. . .

** Starting this week, not only will new posts of How I Met Your Ex-Girlfriend be showing up on Blogger.com, they will also be showing up on my new website. Here's the link!