Kayla and I kept corresponding via email on into the Fall semester. I still hadn't told her the secret I longed so hard to make known to her. She was ignorant and I was surprisingly okay with that. In fact, today a part of me thinks that maybe I never wanted her to know in the first place. Looking back at how I messed up with Erin and taking into account what happens next in the story, I am thoroughly convinced that I subconsciously don't want to be happy.
We were talking one day and and somehow we started talking about our old friend, Tommy. You remember Tommy? The guy from camp I met on the same day I met Kayla? Well we started talking about him. She brought up how she missed him and wished we could all hang out together. I started Joking around saying that she "liked" him and such. When she denied it, I proceeded in telling her that Tommy had, at one time, had a crush on her. She replied by saying, "I did have a crush on someone that weekend, but it wasn't Tommy."
My heart jumped into my throat for a second. Could she mean me? I proceeded in making a series of absolutely ridiculous guesses like "Morgan Freeman?" and "John McCain?" Eventually she just said, "No, you dork. I'm talking about you!"
Now, this is where I screw it up. My response to what she said was, "That's funny, there was a time a long time ago when I had a crush on you, too." stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, STUPID! She basically set me up to tell her how I felt and I blew it. I made it sound like I didn't like her anymore when nothing could be further from the truth. This isn't the last time something like this has happened either. So thusly I am led to believe that subconsciously I never want to be happy. I always seem to find a way to ruin any chance I might have. Now, if you will excuse me, I have a hot date tonight. . . with Skyrim -_-
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