My Future Arch Enemy

Let's rewind. September 16th, 2010, my second day of work. It was the first night shift I had ever worked. My first day was an 8 am to 2 pm shift, but my second day would have me working as late as 9:30. There were many more people around my age working that shift, so I felt a little more at home. One of these coworkers was Ashlee. At the time, she wasn't my arch nemesis. Actually it was quite opposite, I actually thought she was kinda cute.

     That was extremely hard to admit, but it was true. I don't think I had ever met someone who was so opposite of me in appearance, but so similar in character. I stand at 6 feet fully erect, however, standing on her tippy toes, Ashlee is only about 5 feet. I weigh just over 200 lbs, Ashlee hasn't broken the 100 lb mark in her entire 20 years of existence. Personality wise, we are almost the same person. We are snarky, sarcastic, and overall jerk to everyone we know (and to each other.) A few people actually took to calling her Nashlee behind her back. Or maybe they were calling me that. Who knows.

     I really don't know what started our rivalry. We got along really well at first, but after a while we started a rivalry that lasted almost 4 years. Our abrasive personalities probably played a large role given that we took to mocking each other. Some examples are as follows:

One of my favorite things to mock her about was her size. Most notably her shortness, but occasionally I would mock her thinness, too. I heard her talking to Emma about how she gained 3 lbs over Thanksgiving and how she felt fat. I said, "How much can you possibly weigh?"

"I weigh 97 pounds." She said angrily.

"Wait, so you weighed 94 pounds before the Holidays?"

"Nice math skills," she said sarcastically, "maybe you should be a. . . um. . . one of those guys who do taxes."

 "An accountant? Nice language skills. Anyway that is an unhealthy weight. You are 17 years-old, have you ever even broken 100 pounds?"

"No," she said, "and that isn't an unhealthy weight."

"Are you kidding? You look like a two-by-four sawed off at the 3 foot mark."

"Are you trying to say I'm flat chested?"

"Well, I was just saying that you are really thin and short, but if I'm being honest, I can't help but notice that I'm a guy and I still have better boobs than you."

"You have better boobs than everyone."

"Thank you."

"That wasn't a compliment."

"I choose to accept it as one."

Later I took to comparing her to the devil:

One day, after parking next to her (because that bugs her), I noticed she had a Jesus fish on her bumper. I walked up to her and said, "Did you guy your car used?"

"Yeah," she said, "How'd you know?"

"I saw that your car had a Jesus fish on the bumper and that had me confused because I didn't think you could go within 15 feet of a church without catching on fire."

"Very funny."

Even though we were always at each other's throats, it always seemed more like we were having fun with it rather than actually being hostile, so I don't know why I started hating her. And I also wonder if I ever did.