Flush

Why do bad things happen to good people? Well, because people (good or bad) are stupid. We will do incredibly stupid things that lead to consequences. Some morons will brush their teeth before they eat and consequently, everything tastes like a minty version of their food. Mint flavored orange juice, mint flavored pancakes, mint flavored lasagna, mint flavored pie, and even mint flavored toothpaste. Where does the mint end?! Some people wake up in the morning, decide to not wash themselves or put on appropriate clothing, and go to Wal-mart. They later end up on peopleofwalmart.com. Some morons think that taping cardboard wings to their arms and jumping off a building will give them the power of flight. In reality, it just gives them higher insurance premiums. Some people switched from Facebook to Google+ and are now very lonely. Some people grow mullets. . . that's a punishment in and of itself. Some nincompoops fall for their friend's girlfriend. Those same nincompoops will leave their phones too close to the edge of the bathroom sink where it will fall into the toilet. . .

     It was the morning after I got Rashaell's phone number. I woke up at 6:00 a.m. to get ready for work and went to the bathroom to start getting ready. Now, I'm a person who loves baths. LOVES them. So I specifically got up two hours before work because I figured it would give me some extra soak time. The thing is; that early in the morning, I don't want to fully wake myself up by turning on all the lights. So I took my bath in the dark and used my cellular talking device as an alarm to make sure I got out in time. This was a recipe for disaster. I got out of the tub and moved over to where my phone was blasting "I Like It" by Foxy Shazam. I reach out for it in the dark and bump it with my hand. Seconds later I hear a "glunk!" I reach over and turn on the lights to find my phone sitting that the bottom of my toilet bowl.

     I wasn't too worried about this at first. After all, it was just a simple flip phone. It could be replaced easily enough. But then it hit me. Rashaell's number was on that phone and I still had to text her the next week's schedule. How was I supposed to text it to her without a phone? There was only one option I could think of. The second I got off work that day, I grabbed the schedule and picked up the phone behind customer service. I located the phone number provided before her name and dialed. After a few rings, she picked up. "Hello?" she said.

     "Um. . ." I replied.

     "Hello? Who is this?"

     I have no idea why it was taking me so long to answer. Possibly it was because I was afraid of having to explain why I was calling instead of texting her the schedule. "Uh, it's me. Uh, I mean Nash. I'm just calling to tell you your schedule for next week."

     "Oh! Thanks!" she said, "I was just expecting you to text it to me."

     "Yeah, that's a funny story."

     "Oh? How so?"

     "My phone got. . . Incapacitated." I said vaguely.

     "Yes, that's. . . quite amusing."

     I proceeded to tell her the schedule. When I finished, she said, "Thanks Nash. Oh, hey. Have you called Ashlee yet? She said you were going to text her the schedule, too."

     "Uh, no," I said with discouragement in my voice, "not yet." I hated Ashlee. The last thing I wanted to do was call her. She was my arch nemesis. She was the Dwight Schrute to my Jim Halpert. She was the Newman to my Jerry Seinfeld. She was the Ralph Macchio to my Barney Stinson. She was evil incarnate and now I had to call her all because I dropped my stupid phone in the toilet. Why do bad things happen to good people? Why? Because people are idiots. Dwight Schrute had some great advice for situations like this: "Before I do anything, I ask myself, 'would and idiot do that?' and if the answer is yes, I do not do that thing."