I don't know exactly when I began to develop feelings for Rashaell. It kind just sneaked up on me. For at least three months I only saw her as a good work friend, until one day. . . We were just conversing during some slow business time at work when I started to see her in a new light. It wasn't anything she said or did particularly, it just happened. It went from "she's kinda hot" to "I really like this girl" at the snap of a finger. It's possible that the feelings were there the whole time, tucked somewhere in the back of my mind just to surface now. But even now that I knew I had feelings for her, I still couldn't admit it to myself. I didn't want to like her in that way.
I continued to bury my new found feelings for her for several weeks. I didn't feel right about it. I still liked Kayla and it didn't settle right in my mind to have feelings for two girls at once. I guess I'm just not wired that way. It's a situation my mind can't easily sort out. Despite this, I still couldn't deny that I liked Rashaell. Then one day in January I decided that I couldn't fight it anymore. I finally admitted to myself that I had feelings for her and now I was going to do something about it.
Now, what happens next seems to happen to me a lot. Off the top of my head, I can count five times: once with Kayla, twice with Rashaell, and three other times with girls that I won't mention yet because they aren't in this story yet. What am I talking about? Well the best way to explain it is with this example. I had finally decided I was going to ask Rashaell out. I was determined. Nothing would stop me. . . well just about anything could stop me, because I was so scared of doing it, but still. I finally got her alone and was about to ask when she said, "I heard your head and light bulbs don't get a long well."
"What?" I asked.
"You know," she answered, "you broke that light bulb in Pizza Hut with your head."
"How do you know that? Have you been talking to my mom?"
"No," she laughed, "Landon told me."
You remember Landon. The bro I wrote about last week who was at Pizza Hut with me when I smashed the light with my head. I had also found out that he had gotten a new girlfriend and he wouldn't tell me who it was. I told him I would find out who she was weather he told me or not. I was about to get my answer.
"Oh? You know Landon?" I asked.
"Yeah," she said, "He's my boyfriend."
This has happened a lot. I'll finally decide to do something about a crush I have, and then I find out they're dating someone. I'm thankful for this, however. Otherwise I would have made a total ass out of myself several times throughout the years.
Anyway, back to the story. I was shocked, though I shouldn't have been. She did live in the same town as him, after all. All I could make myself say was, "Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh." While my mouth was saying the very long "Oh" my mind what racing. "Oh, no!" I thought, "It's happening again! It's going to be The Summer of Darkness all over again!" But strangely enough, it wasn't. I mean, I can't say I wasn't a little disappointed, but I wasn't at all depressed like before. I guess I had matured since then. I may not have been feeling depressed, but I did feel something else. Guilt. I felt really guilty. All this time I had been going after my friend's girlfriend. This felt wrong to me, so I told myself that I would try and get over the feelings I had for her. How hard could it be anyway? It's not like I had been in love with her for years or anything. Boy, was I wrong about that. Getting over Rashaell is much easier said than done. . .
No comments:
Post a Comment